What's Done Is Done..

*If any of you are male readers, this is your warning that this post may contain lots of stuff that you won't care to hear. Sorry! You have been warned!

At about 3am Monday morning I woke up with some severe cramping and some major bleeding and a huge loss of blood clots. It pretty much continued until about 6am. I had a feeling that the sack had ruptured completely but I was still hoping that the sac had just lost the blood and the baby was still fine. I called the doctor that morning to make an appt since they said to if any bleeding had occurred like that. So that afternoon I went into my ultrasound appt and there was no more baby that they could see. I had miscarried. Again.

Apparently the sac ruptured and took the baby and everything with it. They couldn't tell what all was in the uterus since there was so much blood but they could definitely tell that there wasn't a full baby in there. I cried and cried right there in the ultrasound room. I was all by myself and the ultrasound tec (we have become good friends through all this miscarriage stuff) just hugged me and told me that she was so sorry and something about how it just isn't fair. I was so grateful for her kindness. They had me wait to see the doctor and I held my composure pretty well while talking to the doctor and asked him lots of questions. He was SO great to take the time to talk me through it all and I could tell that he really did feel for me. Because there is so much stuff still in the uterus he scheduled me for a D&C for tomorrow morning. Although I'm bummed we have to pay a whole lot of money for no baby, I'm glad I can get all this over with quick and relatively painless and move on to what awaits us next.

So what does await us? Well, hopefully in the future more children but for now I need a little break. As I mentioned before, this pregnancy was a difficult one. I was sick most of the time and couldn't eat very much and I just don't feel like jumping right back into that right now. I can tell that my body just needs a rest for a while too. I don't feel like I need to go through any testing right now, this was just something that my body did and we couldn't/can't prevent it .We know that I have a progesterone deficiency during the luteal phase so that is why I take progesterone supplements for that but I think my hormones might need to be checked out and I am going to go to an essential oils doctor here in the valley to help me regulate them naturally. We'll see if it works!

If you are wondering how I'm feeling I'm not going to lie, it is hard. It has been quite the roller coaster of emotions the past few days. I know that this is one of my trials that I have to go through in this life and I'm ok with that. There are so many more worse things that we could go through. I am just grateful that so far we have been SO blessed to keep those babies that are born to us and I thank Heavenly Father everyday for those two sweet little munchkins. It is still hard though when I picture that sweet little baby moving around in the ultrasound and I hear her rapid little heartbeat in my head to not cry and think of what could have been. I loved that little baby and I hope she doesn't change her mind next time and will want to stick around and meet us.

I'm grateful for prayer. I have felt peace and comfort throughout all this and I'm so grateful for those feelings of "It's going to ok. This is part of your plan." I know that we will have all the little children that we are supposed to have someday and I'm ok knowing that it is all in His hands. Although I am sometimes sad, when I think about it too much, I am for the most part happy and am moving on with life and am looking forward to a fun filled summer with vacations, weddings and family!

Friends and family have been so kind to us. My sweet mother-in-law sent me these gorgeous flowers today...

with a sweet note that simply said, "To a wonderful mother." It meant the world to me.

And my sweet, thoughtful husband came home from work yesterday when I found out I had miscarried with this little stash...

He knows my favorites and he happily accompanied me in vegging out last night :)

But from the bottom of my heart, thank you all for your kind words of comfort, your sweet little notes and gifts at my door, for your offers to help out when needed, for your support and friendship, and for your prayers and thoughts. I can't thank you enough and it brings me to tears to think that there are so many people who actually care about us! Again, thank you. Thank you all!

I would love to share with you guys a quote from Thomas S. Monson that I found today during my scripture study...

"We are here on this earth to deal with our individual challenges to the best of our ability; to learn from them, and to overcome them. Endure to the end we must, for our goal is eternal life in the presence of our Father in Heaven. He loves us and wants nothing more than for us to succeed in this goal. He will help us and bless us as we call upon Him in our prayers, as we study His words, and as we obey His commandments. Therein is found safety; therein is found peace."

- Thomas S Monson. Closing Remarks at the October 2010 General Conference

How perfect is that? I wasn't even looking for it, but I definitely needed it :)

Thanks for reading. Come back soon for a post on what these cute kiddos are up to!